Friday's Joke of the Day

In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said "Let there be light." And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry.

My cat has been missing for over a week. I wonder if my neighbor's curiosity has anything to do with it.

The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government.

What is posthumous work?
Something written by someone after they are dead

What jungle animal can put you in a trance?
A hypnopotamus!

What has two humps and is found at the North Pole?
A lost camel

An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.

A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom.

A smelly ant was expelled from the colony because he was deodorant.

What part of the fish weighs the most?
The scales

I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole heck of a lot to do.

What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?
A saddle light dish

Why is a room full of married couples empty?
Because there is not a single person in it.

Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?
Because he was stuffed.

If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning?
The conductor.

What did the doctor prescribe for laryngitis?
The silent treatment

Why did the parents give their child a lot of educational toys?
They wanted him to be a gifted child

Why do homemakers preserve extra fruit and vegetables?
Because they can

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line

Why did the projector blush?
It saw the filmstrip.

A perverted pedicurist would break into people's homes and trim their nails while they were sleeping. He was a clip toe maniac.

When I went to the dentist for some root canal work, I lost my nerve.

Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.

When cologne was first bottled in 1903, it made a lot of scents.

Did you hear about the walrus whose girlfriend refused to go steady with him? She probably wanted to sea otters.

A manufacturer of percussion instruments tried to drum up some business.

Ore is always a load off someone's mine.

Q. What is the difference between an inlaw and an outlaw?
A. Outlaws are wanted.

What did the math book say to the other book?
I have a lot of problems.

Why does Cinderella like to play catch?
Because it's one ball after another.

What does a cowboy call a buddy with whom he shares mp3s?
His I-podner

How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
Dis-gruntled.

Did you hear about the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine?
It wooden go

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

How do you stop a snake from striking?
Pay it decent wages

What do rivers do when they try to be cool?
They go with the flow

What has teeth but never eats?
A comb

What did the sand say to the mountain?
You rock

What kind of dance do hot dog buns do?
Abundance.

Where in the world is the best place to buy good porcelain dishes?
China

A guy went to a costume party dressed as a knife, and he really looked sharp.

After entering the sewing contest she was on pins and needles.

There's a new sport - leaping over rifles. It's called jumping the gun.

Father and son love sunflower seeds, and the son is the spitting image of his dad.

There was a circus fire eater who married his old flame after a long and extinguished career. He planned to teach his son the family business, but his ulcer flared up and he was unable to pass the torch.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.