Why did the nut stay away from the middle of the room?
Because it was a walnut.

What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?
Lawsuits & Briefs

What do snakes do after they fight?
They hiss and make up.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.

The chicken crossed the playground to get to the other slide.

Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended

One evening King Arthur's men discovered Sir Lancelot's moonshine whiskey operation and shattered the still of the knight.

Where can birds play professional baseball?
In the mynah leagues!

How can you tell a miser from his pet canary?
One's a little cheap, but the other's a little cheeper.

What would you eat if you lived in a calendar?
Sundaes and Dates

Why are there seals in the ocean?
So that it won't leak!

What do you call an undersized goat?
A peanut butter

What would you name a parrot made out of plastic?
Polly-Esther!

Please Do Not Smoke Near The Gas Pumps.Your Life May Not Be Worth Much, But The Gas is.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, be thankful you got the defective guillotine.

Q: Why did the Pilgrims cross the Atlantic in the "Mayflower"?
A: It was too far to swim.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Earning money would be fun if it wasn't so taxing.

The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents were much cheaper!

Why does an Indian wear feathers in his hair
To keep his wigwam

What did the beaver say to the tree?
"It's been nice gnawing you."

What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a long trip?
"Bison!"

Why do people feel strongest on Saturdays and Sundays?
Because all the other days are week days.

Why did the reporter put a flashlight into his mouth?
He wanted to get the inside story.

What did one wall say to the other?
"I'll meet you at the corner."

A father spent a fortune sending his son to college and got only a quarterback.

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army because Fred wrote he had grown another foot.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other: "Funny, I smell carrots too".

The people in charge of merchandising for "Star Wars" loved my Han Solo pillow idea, so I was disappointed they didn't like my follow-up idea: the Wookiee cushion.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish.

What holes are not holes?
Knotholes.

A duck, a frog and a skunk went to the circus. Tickets were a dollar.
Who got in, and who didn't?
The duck got in because she had a bill.
The frog got in on his green-back.
But the poor old skunk couldn't get in because he had only a scent, and it was a bad one at that.

Why is swiss cheese served at church?
Because it's holey!

The day an Egyptian funeral bark was found outside Cairo, a man called the curator of the Metropolitan Museum and said, "Well, pal, you must be licking your Cheops."

What city gets its name from dropping a waffle on the beach?
Sandy Eggo

When is the moon not hungry?
When it is full!

What do you call a small, green, plastic action figure of a famous Star Wars hero?
A Toy Yoda.

How do you make gold soup?
Add 14 carrots!

Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
He wanted to work overtime.

When did the fly fly?
When the spider spied her.

Funny thing about the way a horse eats. He eats best when he hasn't a bit in his mouth.

Once a hunter in the woods lost his dog, so he put an ear to a tree and listened to the bark.

When artists dream in color it's a pigment of their imagination

Britain is a wet place since the queen has had a long reign.

Why are chemists great for solving problems?
They have all the solutions.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take their chairs away!

Why did the kid sleep in the chandelier?
Because he was a light sleeper

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.